neise_smith's Xanga

Defeated?!?

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 07:10:54 GMT

Today I feel defeated. I let the devil provoke his work even before I woke up. I became vulnerable and more vulnerable to his little scheme all day...ever have those days?

Tonight at a youth meeting, the counselors were talking about how the devil likes to sneek into the busiest times for us, and when he knows we can be broken. I feel like I can be shattered right now into a million pieces. I don't understand at many times through the day why I am still in Celina, when I could be many other places, however there is a reason why I'm here. I keep wanting to think that God's done with me at the specific location, and that he's going to grab me and drop me where he wants me to go next. Unfortunately, it dosn't happen that quickly. Sometimes as much as I hate it, he dosn't want to lift us from where we are, but instead help us endure the storm that may be in our path, and trust in his timing. I was reading through my quote book the other day, and came across a favorite quote of mine:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

Through this period of hardship, I've been able to rely on my God in more ways than I expected- or even still give him credit for. There are days (like today) that I've let the feeling of being defeated get to me, however most of the days I've learned to take with a grain of salt. He will carry me through this time of storm, but knows that it's not time to "drop" me yet. There has been alot of things happening lately that has been a beating of who I am as a person- my personality, the way I go about things, and my beliefs. I've been focusing on pushing the devil to the side, and start seeing where I need to challenge myself. Ultimately, His knowledge, wisdom, and hope for my life will exceed any plans I may have for myself.

Lord, please continue to carry me through this storm.

"Praise You in the Storm" Casting Crowns
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

step by Step...

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 04:32:39 GMT

As I sit typing this, I look around me, and realize just how blessed I am....with a fireplace, a comfy couch, my favorite comfy clothes on, and two puppies that have so enthusiastically tried to get onto my lab top in hopes of giving me a "kiss" or grabing my attention for a second. but as I sit here content, one thing stands out in my mind that I've been blessed with the most this week: Solitude. I've taken a step back from the hustle bustle of the day to come and relax in this place of peace. I've taken a step forward by having the opportunity to have more conversations with God this week than I have in a while, due to being caught up with friends, tv, internet, and work.

Its funny what you realize when you're put in a different situation than normal. You realize what you depend on, and what needs to change. I've realized that lately, instead of reading or praying before I go to bed, I had resorted to watching a movie to help me fall asleep. I forgot how much I enjoyed falling alseep to having a conversation with God. I was challenged this past week to start a journal...but not a usual type of one where you put who's your biggest crush, what or who made you mad that day, or your dreams of the future (ok, that's what it used to be all about in middle school, right girls?!?!).....instead concentrated one journal solely on your conversations with God. This person told me that down the road it will be interesting to go back and read this and see what God questions has answered, and what visions have came true.

I have realized this week that I have alot to learn in my faith still, but that's ok, because I have a God who wants to help me every step of the way! I had forgotten how much I love solitude. It's a beautiful thing...because in those times, its when we are forced to recognize what we are trying to hide, and find the potential in ourselves
we some how lost.

Love Love Love my God:)

new wheels....

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 03:57:21 GMT

Well getting a new vehicle came sooner than I thought! I am truly blessed with it, and am glad I snatched it when I did! So today I said hasta lavista to the taurus and hola to a saturn vue! but I have to say, it was hard getting rid of the taurus that I have kept running for the past 4 years. There's so many memories that are a part of that car:

- Driving to/from Florida with mom....the talks, a better understanding of each other, and the laughs along the way

- Leaving for Washinton D.C. with 4 of my closest friends to see Natalie over fall break at 11pm. Somehow I got us there all in one piece...even over night driving!

- Good ole' Nashville with Matt and Kate for our spontaneous spring break trip, and matt driving over 200 miles with no hands on the wheel!

- Matt and Angie taking me to Martha's Vineyard....one of the road trips of a life time!

- Indy with Coral for Aquire the Fire

- Late night talks with some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for!

- Seeing how many people we could fit in my giiiiinourmous trunk (the count was 6)!

- Using the car for a Jesus Take 3 Rehersal Studio!

- Discovering how many of the bluffton peeps we could shove into the car to go to lima or findlay, hopefully eliminating the need for another car!

- dance parties. enough said:)

But what it comes down to is that the memories will still be there. A car is just a physical component. I am blessed to have the friends, the job, and the roads to drive on to be able to have a vehicle! Thank you to eveeryone who has contributed to such fond memories!

**picture will be posted soon of the new wheels!

This Christmas....a twist of fate.

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 15:02:11 GMT

This Christmas....A twist on fate.
Scrooge.

ok, some I guess could call me that.

but I'd like to add another twist to this Christmas Season...

I've been blessed working in retail (as in my dad's store) this Christmas Season. I get to deal with all of the customers that want everything that day. The customers that complain about the fact that they just found out how much money their significant other or family is spending on them, so they feel the pressure to go out and buy more. The Customers that have no idea what to shop for and don't understand the difference between a Youth and adult hoodie. The customers that get engraged when you tell them you can't have their product in before Christmas. The customers (ok mostly the men) that throw a list down on the counter and say find these items for me and I'll take it. The customers that talk about how much debt their racking up on their credit card as I swipe it once more for them....and the list goes on and on.

but why the heck am I BLESSED with all of this stuff?

because each year God somehow brings me back to the real meaning of Christmas. Aside from the biggest meaning being Jesus, the meaning of what is the point to buying all of these gifts for people, decorating the house, and putting lights outside. Being in retail this year has made me a scrooge to wanting to buy anyone gifts...and rightfully so. I see all sides of the christmas shoppers, and very rarely do I see the Christmas shoppers doing it because it's fun. God knocked me with a piece of ply wood and made it so clear to me that Christmas isn't about how many presents you buy for everyone, but the reason behind wanting to get that person something....to show your love and appreciation. Putting up the Christmas tree, decorations, and lights aren't supposed to be the dreaded day of thinking "why even bother, it's only for a month" but instead that time you are able to spend with your family and friends making memories and showing how much you care for them.

So am I scrooge? yes, I'll admit it, I'm ready for this Christmas season to be over, but even more I'm just ready for everyone (including myself) to relax and relize the meaning of Christmas....

God sending his son down to earth so that he could die for us so that we wouldn't be punished eternaly when we sin and therefore we can live, enjoy, and cherish the blessing he's put in our life.

So This Christmas, my presents are not based on materialistic "wants and "needs" " instead, their based on how I can spend time with that person, or a resource so that person can hopefully get more out of life. It's a time of giving, to a friend, family member, spouse, or other loved ones that you want to show you care so much about. But remember, presents will only get you so far. Really tell them how much you care!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hollidays.
~neise~

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 01:44:01 GMT

Wow...haven't posted in a while. I realize this, but facebook and myspace just suck me in!!!!

I've been doing alot of thinking about Life lately.

who I am
what celina labels me as
where I belong
what the heck I should be doing
who I'm supposed to be with
what God has in store for me......

you know, all the usual questions every person has...but I just feel like its heavy on my heart. I need to be deciding in Jan. whether I want to stay here for another 6 months. I hate decisions.

Dad finds out his test results tomorrow...please keep him in your prayers:)

love to all. come find me on facebook or myspace:)

Captivated by you....

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 06:13:54 GMT

wow... in another 3 days, it would have been a month since I had posted. but please, dont think that that dosn't mean I haven't used the internet and gone on one of those "technology famines". No, I am just lovin' myspace and facebook so much more!! however, I do have something to post now, so here it goes.

Do you ever just want to love someone? I have, and I will until that day comes. I guess something I've always had on my heart the last few years is getting excited to love the man I am supposed to be married to some day. ok...call me a sappy romantic, but I'll admit it: I dream of being able to go meet his family, to be able to send him cards in the mail if we are distances apart, to beable to make him happy when it seems noone else can, to sit by him, whether at church, dinner, a movie, or whatever else, and just grab his hand to let him know I'm glad I'm by his side, to beable to make an occasional nice dinner (notice I said NICE), send him a little text message just to say " I was just thinking about you and smiled" ,and to say " Hi hon," or " hey there hott stuff;) " to him, and for him to know, I'm his. Devoted, and ready to make that realtionship work. Yes...even though some days the last thing I want to do is get in a relationship, I'll admit it, I'm getting older so I'm thinking of these such things on a very serious level.

but as I was thinking about this, something else bopped me in the head: God, saying "Denise, don't you ever think that I dream daily of having that type of relationship with you, where you'll know I'm at your side, and want you to get to know me in such an immaculate way?" I'm reading the book "Captivating" right now. This married couple talk in the book about how we always think that God wants to pursue us with his love, for us to take ahold of his intimate affection, however God wants us to pursue him in that exact way as well. He wants us want to draw near to God, in a Father and Friend way, not only as a Master, but as in an intimate friendship, where that love shines through you.

God wants us to be captivated with him, just as we long for our boyfriend to find us Captivating.
So I leave you with these lyrics to my new favorite song:

"Captivated"

Vicky Beeching lyrics

Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendour
Youâ€™re close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look awayâ€¦

Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face

Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze
I become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of You

This is what I ask, for all my days
That I may, never look away, never look awayâ€¦
No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
I just canâ€™t look awayâ€¦

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 03:56:17 GMT

This last month has been amazing for me for many reasons.

1.) I've been stretched, and will continue to be stretched more. God has taught me so much that I never anticipated learning, or relearning in a new view.

2.) I've come across new occupation possibilities, and the good part is that it's something I know God wants me to do, however I really don't even know where to start looking.

3.) I never thought I would say this, but having one of my closest friends move away has been the best thing for me. I never realized what an impact this person had on my life, and not necessarily all good. I also have had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders from this person being gone. I know, vague, but I really don't know how to go into much more detail.

4.)I have made some great christian friends here, who might I just say, I am having a blast hanging out with! God really provides when you ask:)

well, if you could, I feel that alot of prayer covering me would be a good thing right now, as I try to figure where I am supposed to go from here.

hope all is well!

love, neise

Its just one thing after another...

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 03:15:27 GMT

Well letz see, I wrote that last post on wed. right after I wrote that, I had to run to the bank. So I was pulling out of the bank's parking lot, on a down slope, and I realized that My breaks we're working. I pulled off the road as soon as I could. but you know the most ironic God- thing about this all? The intersection which this happened at is one of the busiest in celina, and I usually have to wait 5 min just to get out of the parking lot, and when you get on the road, it is never empty on the other lane, there's atleast a few cars waiting at the stop light. anywho, so I drove back to ovisco, but since I am the car mechanic dummy, I didn't think too much about it, just that my breaks didn't feel right and that I barely had any. I think it was a God thing that the 3 stop lights I had to go through were all green. Anyways, Matt M, one of the OV employees, is a mechanic on the side, and informed me that I broke atleast one break line. That's when I realized how lucky I was that I made it back to the store safely....you had your angels watching over me God:)

on a bad note.......5 days later,and my car still isn't fixed. The worse part? now since they've been working on it, they informed my Dad that it would have just been probaly worth more trading it in. GREAT!!! I have a huge bill comming my way......

on a sweet positive note....the car mechanic place we went to let me borrow a car....it's only on the right track to my DREAM vehicle!!! a red suv with a SUNROOF, cd player, HEATED SEATS, adjusting seats, leather interior!!!! I hope the car place sees how tempting their making me to just want to buy it. Whats worse is that my dad told mom today that I looked really good driving it, and it looked like me.

well I'm off to start another night of trying to figure out the linksys. gag me. kelsey will be home in a half hour, so she makes up for the pain that is about to start.

love to all!

UGHH!! TECHNOLOGY, YOU SUCK!!!

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 17:47:13 GMT

Scenario of me the last week: Calling a 800 number only to find that not only can this person barely speak english, but I'm talking to someone in INDIA!! ok...I love all nationalities, and by no means am I racists, however, I don't want to see ANYONE right now that donsn't speek english, or I'd probably just bop you right in the head for all the other 8 people I've talked to on the phone for over 6 hours that don't know a thing about ENGLISH!!! I'm not frusterated no, and no, I don't have a temper, but last night after spending another hour and a half on the phone with a lady till 2:00 AM, I had it in....especially when she said "mam, I have to go, my time is up with you. please call back another time and talk to someone else after you've downloaded the program I told you to." The ironic thing? I don't have the internet to download it on because I just spent the past week talking more than 6 hours on a phone to people that can't even say the english alphabet to hear, "mom (she meant to say mam) you wireless router needs upgraded." the ironic thing? we just got it last week.

I hope this brings a laugh to you, as i surely hope that someday when all of this fiasco is fixed, I too will be able to laugh.

Lets see...what else is new? Angie's wedding was beautiful. I cried. I just couldn't help it, and needless to say, I am one step closer at becomming a professional cake cutter!!! haha. Sunday maria and christina (my Jesus Take 3 partners in crime) came down to celina...it was just what I needed (except the fact that I had the most Gosh awful headache). We just went down to the lake and sang.....I've never felt so alive:)

have you ever felt that you want just to get away, have some time to yourself, to think. but just as you do, all of a sudden what you wanted to think about somehow dissapeared from your mind? welcome to my boat.

alright......back to work, lunch time at OV is over.

peaceouthomies!

Mixed Emotions are getting to me....

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 14:05:18 GMT

This week has been a lot of good, and other hand it been quiet tough.

the good: I have a direction! I am starting to get ambitious and knowing what I am doing with in the next few months. What it took: a really good friend telling me what others wouldn't tell me. I took a little me breaking down walls, doing not the things of familiarity, but a new idea. I am able to take a next step because I finally have one barrier (almost) down. I know, this is very vague, but I'm not fond of telling whats going on on such a public site.

the bad: My best friends are still at college. I'm really starting to miss college...but even more I'm missing a huge part of what made college so great: THE FRIENDSHIPS. I feel at a lost right now. I have friends in celina, don't get me wrong, but noone that knows me and can relate as much as my best friends from college. I feel like I really dont have any one to talk to hear. yes, small talk, but noone I can go ramble on with my day, understand the things I'm feeling, and give me the great advice cause they know me so well. I miss hearing about my friends as well, and seeing their smiling faces every day. But you know whats even harder? I call my friends, but everyone is too busy, heading here or there, with 7 other people, or at some activity, or already in bed cause their student teaching. It's tough: to hear them laughing in the background with their friends, or to know they get to do all the activities that I once did, and I want to just relate, to hear about it. On the other hand, I just want to run. It's getting to me, and (back to the beginning), I don't feel like I have any one to talk to. I just want to cry.

I'm busy here. I've been working alot, helping out with youth group, mentoring a girl, but I feel empty.I was talking to lady yesterday, and she said it best. I feel like I'm filling others cups, but I'm not getting mine filled. I call my friends, talk to them, but very rarely do I have anyone call me just to see how I'm doing. I need that now. more than ever. Staying here is hard cause there's a very limited young adult christian group here, unless your married with 4 kids. I feel like I would feel more like my self in another land, cause people don't know me here, they also see who I was in the past, not who I really am, or they think they already know me.

Work this week was really stressful. I took a beating from alot of people due to other people slaking, saying stuff would be done and it isn't, and just the fact that I'm a young female...apparently which make me not worthy of knowing anything about a sporting goods or boat cover business, which dosn't help any. I just need lifted up. really bad.

I like celina, its just not for me. God has been wonderful with providing things, but I need the help of people..I'm sure its a little phase. next week I'll be fine. but for now, I need someone to fill my cup.

on a good note, angela jo heyne is getting married today. I can't believe it (in a good sense:) )!!!